I love him more than myself

I really like this guy, but there’s a girl in my class who also likes him. She is very good-looking. She doesn’t like me talking to him. I love him more than myself. Due to this my studies are suffering. What should I do?
Nira (16)

Dear Nira,

You seem to be full of self-doubt and feel insecure that another attractive girl likes the same guy that you do. And, because of her looks, you think he will certainly choose her over you. Love is not just about looks and attraction. It is about a strong foundation of friendship. Looks may be the first thing to attract someone, but they do not last long; neither does attraction or passion unless it is accompanied by a deeper relationship.

By worrying about a ‘very good-looking girl’ who ‘doesn’t like it’ if you speak to a guy who she likes, and by loving this guy more than yourself, you have put both of them above you. So, it doesn’t look like you love and respect yourself enough.

For a healthy relationship, you have to first respect and love yourself. When you do, you will stop comparing yourself with others, and realise that each one of us has our own unique identity. You will also realize that you are as free as any other person to speak to anyone whom you want to.

You will also be able to extend that love and respect to someone else. If the other person does not return your feelings, it is your self-love and self-respect that will make you strong enough to accept it and also to wish him well. If he does return your feelings, it helps you to create a richer, more loving relationship.

Nasreen Hashambhoy
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Nasreen Hashambhoy

Nasreen Hashambhoy is a Counsellor, Life Coach and a Facilitator of training programmes for schools and corporates. Through a combination of coaching, counselling and facilitation techniques based on cognitive science and positive psychology, she helps clients achieve their true potential. She is the author of the series Values In Action published by Better Yourself Books.