I refuse to take “no” for an answer

I am in love with a girl who is in her mid-teens. For two years I have been following her and have twice declared my love for her. But she says she does not love me, nor does she even want to be my friend. I refuse to take “no” for an answer and insist that she will eventually say “yes”. I cannot concentrate on my studies and my results have started deteriorating. I love her and cannot live without her.
Vinay (18)

Dear Vinay,

You feel very intensely about this girl to the extent that you seem to be obsessed with her and are losing control over yourself. I do empathize with the tormented feelings that you have.

I am not sure what you mean by ‘following her’, but if it involves tracking her in person or on social media, it amounts to stalking and it is a punishable offence.

Your words ‘refuse’ to take ‘no’ and ‘insist’ that she will say ‘yes’ shows that you want her to respond to you in the way that you want. This girl, like you, is an individual with her own thoughts, feelings, wishes and desires. You cannot force her to feel what she does not, or get her to reciprocate simply because your pride is hurt because she has said ‘No’. A ‘No’ does not mean ‘Yes’ in the long run. A ‘No’ means ‘No’. She is not interested. You don’t seem to really respect her wishes, and that in itself shows that it is not love. If you do have even the smallest feeling for this girl, you will respect this boundary and wish her happiness.

A relationship is a loving, mutual bond between two people. True love is about respecting another, about wanting the other person’s happiness above your own, about being selfless and not expecting anything in return. Tough, but true.

So, if you want a great relationship with a lady, make yourself attractive by being mature, selfless, giving and kind. You will then attract someone who resonates with you.

Nasreen Hashambhoy

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Nasreen Hashambhoy

Nasreen Hashambhoy is a Counsellor, Life Coach and a Facilitator of training programmes for schools and corporates. Through a combination of coaching, counselling and facilitation techniques based on cognitive science and positive psychology, she helps clients achieve their true potential. She is the author of the series Values In Action published by Better Yourself Books.