Was it wrong that even though she was grateful, she wasn’t satisfied? Whenever she thought of all that she wanted to have, she would feel the blood coursing through her veins with such force, that it would give her the chills. She would feel goose bumps rise on her skin whenever she thought of all she wanted to acquire. The amount of ambition she had in her, frightened her to no limits.
It was scary how even thinking of her dreams gave her an adrenaline rush. How she knew that she would go to any lengths to get what she truly wanted. The places she wanted to go, the people she wanted to meet, the foolish and risky things she wanted to do… the wild in her that was yet to be released. The tattoos which were yet to be embedded into her skin, telling stories she could never say aloud. The hugs she was yet to give to all those who needed it but never uttered a word. The coffees which awaited her arrival, for her to gulp them down, the hot liquid cascading down her throat. The eyes she was yet to look into, the irises of browns, greens and blues she was still waiting to drown in, the mysteries that she had to decipher. The people she had to figure out, all the questions she needed answers to. She was yet to be the last thing people had on their minds before they went to sleep, the first thing they thought about when they got up.
When she thought about it, she wondered that with time, had she grown as a person or had she lost her true self, but believed that whatever the reason, it had been for the better. She was so addicted to her idea of perfection that she couldn’t wait for the moment when she could finally pursue it, when she could start her climb towards the stars. Many told her that all that she wanted was really hard to get, it was almost unrealistic. They told her not to expect too much or she would be let down by the results in the end. She was taught how it didn’t take even a millisecond for all that she dreamt of to collapse. But she knew, that it was only when stars collapsed into each other, that a galaxy was formed. She wanted her own galaxy of stars, her own universe of galaxies.
She wanted the best her life could give her, or the best that she could give to her life. She wanted people to love her like the moon loved the ocean. The way they would complement her steady rise and fall, the way their presence would reflect in her. She wanted to be deep, like the ocean. The further you drown in its depths, the more enchanted you are with its vastness and diversity. After a point, you try to gasp for air, try to come up to the surface to take a breath. But you are so consumed by it that no matter how hard you try, you can’t help but want to be surrounded by its presence.
She wanted to be the one who had it all. All the lives lived by one. She wanted to be the hippie who would do spontaneous, crazy things in life. She also wanted to be the sophisticated woman who would walk with her head held high. She wanted too, to have a kind and generous side, a part of her which would put her life down for those who mattered.
The thing with her was that she couldn’t stop wanting, her dreams and ambitions were her driving force in life. The hope and desire for better, for more, would push her through her worst. The bottom line of her life was that all she wanted from it, was all of it.