And then I closed my eyes again to escape the reality. They wouldn’t cease for me, the thoughts kept regurgitating as it made it harder and harder to swallow — the fact that the armour of the fake smile that I wore — one of content, happiness and peace, now seemed to hurt my body than protect it in any way. I could lie to all but myself and that was the truth.
I forced myself to sleep, and managed to escape the conscious thoughts but failed to realize that the subconscious mind was there to stay with me, to torment me, to destroy me.
I embraced this bitter reality as I had no other option but was now aware of the fact that sleeping was something I now seemed to be afraid of — the fear of never being able to wake up, and being trapped within the mind was a punishment I was never prepared for.
“Fall asleep” — I cannot think of a fitting word — ‘falling’ — exactly how I felt, falling in that web of thoughts, a trap so deadly, so inevitable, that you were always meant to fall in the darkness with nothing to hold you, but those thoughts; only your thoughts, your dreams, your fears.
Fears of dying, of being there this moment and not the next; it captivated me as I felt my breath fading. It faded as I fell deeper and deeper into the sinister web of thoughts, woven by the mind, coming into pattern by the visions, which scar you and have the ability to scare you forever.
Falling was letting go but holding on; letting go of my mind but holding on to those thoughts. Just holding on.