I'm failing to change myself

When I get close to someone, for some reason they always get close to someone else and ignore me or I get involved in a fight with them. There are others whom I hate a lot; my mind is always intoxicated with them but I see friends I like or liked going with them or talking to them, I grow jealous. Due to my rude behaviour and sarcastic comments, they kind of hate me. Most of the people who knew me once now hate me, and I hate them, too. We just talk behind each other’s backs and spread hate. I want to cut my connection with them but I fear if I keep my personality this angry, insecure and sarcastic these things will happen again. I’m failing to change myself.
Adrija (17) / Kolkata

Dear Adrija,

You are quite aware of a variety of feelings within you — and that is great — but you feel helpless that you can’t do much to change things.

It must certainly hurt when those whom you get close to either ignore you or make friends with others… however, is it that under the mask of ‘rudeness’ and ‘sarcasm’ there is a person who longs to be accepted and loved but doesn’t think she is worthy or good enough? So, rather than risk having her friends walk away from her, she fights with them to push them away first? Break this cycle by learning to value yourself!

Here’s a small exercise to start off with: On a chart or in a journal, draw brick-shaped blocks. Write ‘My Wall of Fame’. Each day, write just one thing that you like or appreciate about yourself. Start with a simple thing, ‘I am a straightforward person’ (oh yes, it can be turned into a strength!). Send your ‘negative voice’ away on a one-way trip so that your ‘positive voice’ can come to stay.

Cutting connections with people only isolates you. Your purpose is to create connections and loving relationships. Only when you love and appreciate yourself, can you learn to appreciate others more and hate them less. And then, you will have not just changed, but transformed yourself!

Nasreen Hashambhoy
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Nasreen Hashambhoy

Nasreen Hashambhoy is a Counsellor, Life Coach and a Facilitator of training programmes for schools and corporates. Through a combination of coaching, counselling and facilitation techniques based on cognitive science and positive psychology, she helps clients achieve their true potential. She is the author of the series Values In Action published by Better Yourself Books.