Youth Counselling

My friend and I love the same boy

My friend and I love the same boy. He’s a mutual friend and knows about our feelings. At first, he said we are equal for him but gradually he fell in love with me. We are now in a relationship but my friend is hurt. Have I done the right thing by committing to him?
Rohini (17)

Dear Rohini,

You are in a dilemma about whether you have done the right thing in committing to a boy who your friend has fallen for too. However, since you are already in a relationship with this boy, whether you have done ‘the right thing’ or not is a bit late to consider.

Your friend is naturally hurt and upset, and probably feels betrayed too. While both you and this boy care for each other and are free to choose each other; yet, since both are friends with this girl — who also has feelings for him — it is necessary to consider her feelings too.

What you can both do is individually connect with your friend and apologize for not being considerate about her feelings or talking things over with her earlier. If you felt awkward about it, do share that with her. If she expresses her feelings, let her.

Later, the three of you can talk if she is open to it. Ask her to suggest what kind of interaction would be comfortable for her going forward and put forth both your views too. She may choose to cut off with both of you — either for a short while, or longer — because of her feelings, or she may work to get over it and choose to come out occasionally as a friend. Either way, be prepared for it, or respect it. Good luck!

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Nasreen Hashambhoy is a Counsellor, Life Coach and a Facilitator of training programmes for schools and corporates. Through a combination of coaching, counselling and facilitation techniques based on cognitive science and positive psychology, she helps clients achieve their true potential. She is the author of the series Values In Action published by Better Yourself Books.

Nasreen Hashambhoy

Nasreen Hashambhoy is a Counsellor, Life Coach and a Facilitator of training programmes for schools and corporates. Through a combination of coaching, counselling and facilitation techniques based on cognitive science and positive psychology, she helps clients achieve their true potential. She is the author of the series Values In Action published by Better Yourself Books.