Two employees talking:
Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a lightbulb!”
Boss: “You’ve been working too much; I think you’ve gone a bit crazy. You need to take the day off.”
The woman leaves. The man starts to follow her.
Boss: “Where are you going?”
Man: “I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark!”
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction… plus a social media over-reaction!
Two men are lost in a desert.
First man: “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we have only sand to eat.”
Second man: “And the good news?”
First man: “We have a lot of sand.”
When I was young, I was afraid of the dark. Now when I get my electricity bill, I’m afraid of the light!
Two men are sitting in a crowded bus. One man notices that the other has his eyes closed.
“What’s the matter? Are you sick?”
“No, I’m okay. It’s just that I hate to see that old lady standing.”
How to reduce your weight
First turn your head to the right and then to the left.
Repeat this whenever you’re given something to eat.
The only person who always looks good in a group photo on Facebook is the one who uploads it!
Girl: “You’re so funny, how can you not have a girlfriend?”
Boy: “You become my girlfriend.”
Girl: “See, you’re so funny.”
I just took a nap… well, actually I was jumping on the bed when the ceiling fan knocked me unconscious! But still…
Man: “My dog is very smart. It brings me my newspaper every morning.”
Friend: “I know.”
Man: “How do you know?”
Friend: “My dog told me!”
The three magical words a guy dies to hear from a girl: “I was wrong”!
Unable to sleep… takes sleeping tablet. Still no sleep. Opens book and starts studying… sleeps for the next 15 hours!
Shortest horror story ever
Internet Connection Failed.
If Facebook was a college, I would get a certificate for full attendance.
Wife: “Look at that drunken fellow!”
Husband: “Who is he?”
Wife: “Ten years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him…”
Husband: “Oh my God, he’s still celebrating!”
I’m in shape… round is a shape!