Funny Bone

Round is a shape!

Two employees talking:
Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: “How?”
Woman: “Watch!”
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a lightbulb!”
Boss: “You’ve been working too much; I think you’ve gone a bit crazy. You need to take the day off.”
The woman leaves. The man starts to follow her.
Boss: “Where are you going?”
Man: “I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark!”

***

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction… plus a social media over-reaction!

***

Two men are lost in a desert.
First man: “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we have only sand to eat.”
Second man: “And the good news?”
First man: “We have a lot of sand.”

***

When I was young, I was afraid of the dark. Now when I get my electricity bill, I’m afraid of the light!

***

Two men are sitting in a crowded bus. One man notices that the other has his eyes closed.
“What’s the matter? Are you sick?”
“No, I’m okay. It’s just that I hate to see that old lady standing.”

***

How to reduce your weight
First turn your head to the right and then to the left.
Repeat this whenever you’re given something to eat.

***

The only person who always looks good in a group photo on Facebook is the one who uploads it!

***

Girl: “You’re so funny, how can you not have a girlfriend?”
Boy: “You become my girlfriend.”
Girl: “See, you’re so funny.”

***

I just took a nap… well, actually I was jumping on the bed when the ceiling fan knocked me unconscious! But still…

***

Man: “My dog is very smart. It brings me my newspaper every morning.”
Friend: “I know.”
Man: “How do you know?”
Friend: “My dog told me!”
The three magical words a guy dies to hear from a girl: “I was wrong”!

***

Unable to sleep… takes sleeping tablet. Still no sleep. Opens book and starts studying… sleeps for the next 15 hours!

***

Shortest horror story ever
Internet Connection Failed.

***

If Facebook was a college, I would get a certificate for full attendance.

***

Wife: “Look at that drunken fellow!”
Husband: “Who is he?”
Wife: “Ten years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him…”
Husband: “Oh my God, he’s still celebrating!”

***

I’m in shape… round is a shape!